I Read What?!

So last time, an avalanche finally took out the worst villain ever. No real loss. Now we make it to the last chapter (and epilogue) of the book. Let's see how it goes.



So the battle continues: we're told that the Ten Towns folks, dwarves and barbarians are now unified before the northern gate of Bryn Shandar. They're still facing a pretty massive army, but the morale is pretty much shattered. At the moment, there's a break in the fighting:

Wulfgar and Revjak are meeting with Fender Mallot, who is apparently the leader of the dwarves in light of Bruenor's "disturbing absence".

Is Bruenor gone? That's the problem with the frenetic scene changes from the last chapter: it was hard to keep track of any disappearances or cliffhangers. Apparently Wulfgar had been the last to see him. This makes Wulfgar emotional, but, we're told "Bruenor could not hear him."

Well, obviously. He's not in the room.

We rejoin Cassius, who is speaking to Jensin Brent. He asks about the women and children of Caer-Dineval. Apparently they're safe, hiding in Easthaven with the people of Good Mead and Dougan's Hold. They're well provisioned and guarded, so if Kessell's army tries for them, they can flee back out on the lake. Cassius asks how long they can stay out there. Jensin isn't concerned: they should be able to stay there until winter, and should be able to land somewhere, since the remaining goblins and orcs can't cover the shoreline.

Cassius asks the same question of Kemp. Um, we actually saw Kemp's people get vaporized, but Salvatore doesn't seem to remember that. We're told they're in Lonelywood, and Kemp figures they're better off than Kemp and Cassius there. There are apparently a LOT of boats.

Cassius is happy to hear it: he sees another option: they (meaning all three groups) can hold their ground here and then retreat behind the walls of the city. Kemp dislikes this idea, because he's a fuckhead who hates the barbarians. (Amusingly, Cassius misunderstands him and states that the barbarian women are sturdy and capable of surviving without them.)

Anyway, Kemp pearl-clutches at the idea of opening the doors for the barbarians. And because he's an asshole, he makes sure the barbarians can hear him. Because pissing off your allies while you're cornered and outnumbered makes a lot of sense, dude. Can you please die already?

Wulfgar approaches, he greets Kemp politely, and introduces himself as the leader of the tribes who have come to join in "your noble cause". Kemp, OF COURSE, has to ask what Wulfgar's kind could possibly know of nobility. Wulfgar is awesome in response:

Wulfgar ignored him. "I have overheard much of your discussion," he continued, unshaken. "It is my judgment that your ill-mannered and ungrateful advisor," he paused for control, "has proposed the only solution."

Wulfgar thinks they should attack. The goblins are shaken, but they could get their battle lust back. Cassius thinks they'll leave before a week passes, but Wulfgar points out that the goblins can still sack the unprotected city, and they'll take the retreat as a victory, which could inspire them to come back. Wulfgar believes that the solution is to rout them out, "as your people did to mine five years ago."

Cassius looks at Wulfgar "with profound respect, and also deep curiosity" and asks why the barbarians came to help them. Wulfgar says that's something they can discuss after everything's done. He orders the barbarians to sing, which freaks out the goblins. Cassius rallies his own men, and the dwarves chant for their homeland. The fishermen start tentatively singing along with the barbarians, and then join in fully. That would probably be cool to see in adaptation. We're told, "as one killing wave the human and dwarven allies charged down the hill."

We rejoin Drizzt, who was able to escape the avalanche, but he's in a precarious situation: the top of Kelvin Cairn's very icy, and his wet feet (from the melted snow), is freezing on his skin. He does make it to the peak, but now he slips on the way down.

Back to Wulfgar: it's battle time! The defenders are doing a great job, and even better, more and more of the goblins and orcs are fleeing. Glensather leads his own men in a similar way to Wulfgar's attack, but unfortunately he's not as fearsome as a barbarian. The goblins press in rather than flee, and, well:

Glensather had just come up beside the barbarian king when the cruel tip of a spear dove into his back and tore through, driving out the front of his chest.

Witnessing the gruesome spectacle, Wulfgar brought Aegis-fang over the spokesman, driving the head of the spear-wielding goblin down into its chest. Glensather heard the hammer connect behind him and even managed to smile his thanks before he fell dead to the grass

Aw. I liked Glensather. Why couldn't it have been Kemp instead?

Anyway, the dwarves are fighting differently, mowing down rows of goblins in tight formation. And the fishermen, "fighting for the lives of their women and children, fought, and died, without fear."

Have I mentioned how annoyed I am that there are NO women among the fighting men? Because I am. Not even one tomboy with a temper? Hmph.

Anyway, it takes about an hour for the last of the enemies to die.

Back to Drizzt: he's falling down a mountain, trying to brace himself so as not to go splat against rocks. He does end up getting out of it with superficial injuries. He ends up considering his fall a blessing, as it took him down the mountain faster than it would have otherwise. Drizzt watches the battle: specifically thousands of goblins running up the Icewind Pass to go home. Drizzt has his own goal though: the ruins of Cryshal-Tirith, he wants to find out if Regis and Gwenhwyvar lived.

About time you remembered them!

Which of course means another scene shift: Cassius, Kemp and Jensin Brent are on the field, looking out at the carnage. Apparently they're the only three spokesmen to survive the struggle. The seven others were killed.

Notice, SpokesMEN. Not a single woman leader in the entire Ten Towns.

Anyway, they're subdued at all the loss of life. Apparently more than half of the men of Ten-Towns are dead, and more are going to die because "nearly half of those still alive had been grievously wounded". Four towns are burned to the ground and another one looted and torn apart.

Jesus. Maybe they should have gone the siege route after all.

For their part: the barbarians were decimated. Though the ones that are dead are the young and inexperienced, who apparently died accepting their fate as a glorious ending to their life's tale. The dwarves are okay. But Bruenor's still missing.

Cassius tells the spokesmen to go to their people. Kemp, who sadly lived, is going to speak for the four towns of Maer Dualdon, while Jensin will speak for the people of the other lakes. They're going to have to figure out what to do about winter. (Kemp, of course, says something stupid and arrogant, but the others glower him down. He admits it will be a struggle.)

Wulfgar approaches, saying that it'll be a struggle for his people too. He requests to be invited to the council, and looks "every bit the noble king". I'm so proud of our boy. Kemp is again an asshole ("If we need beasts of burden, we'll buy oxen." Fuck you, dude.) Cassius fortunately is less of a dick and grants Wulfgar's request and asks again why he came.

Wulfgar came to repay a debt and better the lives of both of their people. He wants an alliance: the barbarians know the tundra better than the yetis and are offering their help (and gold) to rebuild the town in exchange for a way to spend their treasure, since as Wulfgar wisely points out, the gold won't keep them warm or act as food if their hunting is bad. And well, since both groups are weakened, they'll need each other for defense as well.

Cassius and Jensin are on board with the plan. Wulfgar gets a bit of his own back against Kemp:

As Cassius turned, Wulfgar grabbed Kemp's shirt with one of his huge hands and easily hoisted the spokesman from Targos off the ground. Kemp swatted at the muscled forearm, but realized that he had no chance of breaking the barbarian's iron grip. Wulfgar glared at him dangerously. "For now," he said, "I am responsible for all of my people. Thus have I disregarded your insults. But when the day comes that I am no longer king, you would do well to cross my path no more!" With a flick of his wrist, he tossed the spokesman to the ground.

Kemp, too intimidated for the present to be angry or embarrassed, sat where he landed and did not respond. Cassius and Brent nudged each other and shared a low chuckle.

That was pretty satisfying. Then Catti-brie arrives, she's caked with dust and her arm is in a bloody sling.

...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. The only female fighter in the cast, the only female character with a FUCKING SPEAKING LINE, saw some kind of battle and you didn't bother to SHOW IT TO US?!

Anyway, Catti-brie tells Wulfgar that some orcs got into the tunnels, she probably should have collapsed them, but chose to fight instead. She might have failed, but Bruenor came just in time to help.

And we saw none of this. *insert pterodactyl screech here*

Anyway, Bruenor's apparently back out in the field, and has asked for Wulfgar.

We rejoin Drizzt, who has reached the tower. He thinks it's hopeless, but he's pressing on anyway. And I like this bit, but I'd like it more if Salvatore left it there.

He pressed on stubbornly, refusing to give in to the inescapable logic that scolded him.

This was where he differed from his people, this was what had driven him, finally, from the unbroken darkness of their vast cities. Drizzt Do'Urden allowed himself to feel compassion.

Because why have subtlety when overblown praise will do?

Anyway, Drizzt starts digging into the the rubble with his bare hands. Slowly, mostly one handedly (the other hand was burned in the fighting), he gets to the top of the pile where he senses magic: he finds Guenhwyvar's figurine. She apparently made it back to the astral plane. He digs more and finds Regis's pendant. Drizzt somberly decides to name the pile of rubble "Regis's Cairn" as it's a fitting tomb for him.

If I were Regis, I'd be offended.

Drizzt summons Guenhwyvar, who starts to materialize. Something else materializes too - Regis! Of course, he can't be too dignified:

The halfling sat with his eyes closed and his mouth opened wide, as though he was about to take an enjoyable and enormous bite out of some unseen delicacy. One of his hands was clenched to the side of his eager jowls, and the other open before him.

As his mouth snapped shut on empty air, his eyes snapped open in surprise. "Drizzt!" he groaned. "Really, you should ask before you steal me away! This perfectly marvelous cat had caught me the juiciest meal!"

So anyway, apparently Guenhwyvar can take people with her when she goes! Drizzt decides he wants to explore that later, and I don't blame him. That rocks hard. Drizzt sends Guen back to recover and ropes Regis into going to see how they can help. And we're given another example of misplaced comic relief:

A shout went up suddenly as a group of fishermen, seeing the two companions, rushed toward them, yelling with abandon. "Wizard-slayer and tower-breaker!" they cried.

Drizzt, ever humble, lowered his eyes.

"Hail Regis," the men continued, "the hero of Ten-Towns!"

Drizzt turned a surprised but amused eye on his friend. Regis merely shrugged helplessly, acting as much the victim of the error as Drizzt.

The men caught hold the halfling and hoisted him to their shoulders. "We shall carry you in glory to the council taking place within the city!" one proclaimed. "You, above all others, should have a say in the decisions that will be made!" Almost as an afterthought, the man said to Drizzt. "You can come too, drow."

Drizzt declined. "All hail Regis," he said, a smile splayed across his face. "Ah, little friend, ever you have the fortune to find gold in the mud where others wallow!" He clapped the halfling on the back and stood aside as the procession began.

Regis looked back over his shoulder and rolled his eyes as though he were merely going along for the ride.

But Drizzt knew better."

This is where we're supposed to chuckle at how sweet, humble Drizzt is overlooked for goofy Regis. But you know what I remember? I remember Regis going in, alone, armed only with a magic gem that he doesn't even know will work, to face down an unstoppable wizard. I remember Regis outwitting Akar Kessell and tricking him into turning on his strongest troops. I remember Regis blowing out Kessell's candle and saving Drizzt's ass.

And I'm getting awfully tired of Drizzt's faux humility. Sure, he's done heroic things, and there's nothing wrong with expecting some recognition for that. But it's so performative! Alas, poor Drizzt. Mistreated and misunderstood by the townsfolk. He lives in a cave, even though he's best friends with the king of the dwarves and a councillor of Ten Towns. Even though he's had a standing invitation from Agowal of Termalaine for five years.

Regis deserves every ounce of credit that he got, and he has every right to enjoy it. It's not his fault that Drizzt is a self-important martyr who gets off on endlessly suffering.

Anyway, Drizzt's amusement is short-lived: two dwarves approach and Drizzt knows "at once that they bore grim news." Apparently, Bruenor is near death and he's asking for Drizzt.

Drizzt is led to a tent, where Wulfgar and Catti-brie are bending their heads reverently. This would be more meaningful if we'd ever gotten a real look at how the Bruenor-Wulfgar-Catti-brie family dynamics actually played out. But that would have required giving Catti-brie more than one scene.

Anyway, Brunor's laying down, wrapped in bandages and breathing raspy. Drizzt is stoically holding back tears. Bruenor asks if he's there to see him on his way. Drizzt is emotional and says he'll hear no talk of that, who would find Mithril Hall. Bruenor asks if Drizzt will come with them. Drizzt agrees of course. Bruenor continues to babble a bit, saying that it will be in the spring. Drizzt is just happy to have comforted his dying friend.

Who suddenly sits up and rips off the bandages, gleeful that Drizzt promised and he has witnesses to that effect. Wulfgar and Catti-brie flee in amusement, while Drizzt is just happy that Bruenor's okay. Bruenor's happy too: they have a quest in the spring.

So now the epilogue:

We're told the winter was difficult, but the people of the towns and the barbarians pooled their talents and resources and survived. They had many councils and formally recognized their alliance. The cities that survived were packed full of refugees, and they started rebuilding in the spring. Wulfgar and Cassius kept things in order even through the bickering.

In the end, the barbarians were given the towns of Bremen and Caer-Konig to rebuild. (the original inhabitants either stayed with the tribesmen or went to rebuilt Caer-Dineval and Targos). We're told that everyone had suffered tragic losses, and no one came out for the better...except Regis.

The opportunistic halfling was awarded the title of First Citizen and the finest house in all of Ten-Towns for his part in the battle. Cassius readily surrendered his palace to the "tower-breaker." Regis accepted the spokesman's offer and all of the other numerous gifts that rolled in from every city, for though he hadn't truly earned the accolades awarded him, he justified his good fortune by considering himself a partner of the unassuming drow. And since Drizzt Do'Urden wasn't about to come to Bryn Shander and collect the rewards, Regis figured that it was his duty to do so.

I know I ranted about this like a few pages up, but fucking seriously. How the hell did Regis "not earn the accolades"? He was JUST as pivotal as Drizzt! This was a fucking team effort, Salvatore. That's what you wrote!

Anyway, Drizzt and Bruenor are preparing for the trip. We're told that Drizzt intends to honor his word, though he'd been tricked, "because life hadn't changed much for him after the battle. Although he was in truth the hero of the fight, he still found himself barely tolerated among the people of Ten-Towns. And the barbarians, other than Wulfgar and Revjak, openly avoided him, mumbling warding prayers to their gods whenever they inadvertently crossed his path.

But the drow accepted the shunning with his characteristic stoicism."

Oh, fuck off Drizzt. They're never going to move past "barely tolerated" if you live in a fucking cave. Suck it up and go out there. Wulfgar learned to respect you. Hell, REVJAK learned to respect you apparently, and he wasn't even raised by Bruenor for five years. That implies others could too.

Drizzt, and Salvatore, are mistaking stoicism with passivity. Drizzt could live with Bruenor. He could stay with Regis. He could stay with Wulfgar and Revjak. He could show people that not all drow are homicidal killing machines, because up to a man so far, they HAD BEEN. It isn't easy being an outsider, sure. But Drizzt actually CAN do something about that. He just hasn't felt like trying for the last five years.

And so much for that faux humility, since this paragraph makes it clear that Drizzt does actually see himself as the true hero. Fuck off.

Thankfully, Salvatore seems to realize that Drizzt is on my last remaining nerve, so he switches the scene to Catti-brie and Wulfgar. Apparently Wulfgar had given his voice on the council as well as his kingship to Revjak, as the latter is older and wiser. He intends to go on Bruenor's adventure. Wulfgar claims it's because he owes Drizzt, but Cattibrie laughs at him.

"Again you parry the question," Catti-brie laughed. "You go to pay no debt! You go because you choose the road!"

"What could you know of the road?" Wulfgar growled, pulled in by the girl's painfully accurate observation. "What could you know of adventure?"

Catti-brie's eyes sparkled disarmingly. "I know," she stated flatly. "Every day in every place is an adventure. This you have not yet learned. And so you chase down the distant roads, hoping to satisfy the hunger for excitement that burns in your heart. So go, Wulfgar of Icewind Dale. Follow your heart's trail and be happy!

Translation: Catti-brie's skipping out on this adventure too. Because god forbid, Salvatore write a woman. Look, by all accounts, Mr. Salvatore is a very nice man. And I won't deny he's had a huge impact on the Dungeons and Dragons franchise. But this is fucking infuriating. There is no excuse for the complete absence of women in a fantasy book in 1989. There just isn't.

Anyway, Catti-brie kisses him on the cheek, and they exchange parting words, and just urg.

So we get to Drizzt and Bruenor's departure. Catti-brie helped them pack. And Bruenor tells her that once they've cleared the place, he'll take her there. She just smiles indulgently. Apparently they talked about this a lot over the winter, and she knows he won't be happy until he tries to find his home.

They get to Regis's house where Wulfgar is waiting. He announces that he resigned his kingship and is coming along to repay his debt to Drizzt. This scene might have been more impactful without the last scene, since it's just repetition, but I don't want to rob Catti-brie of one of the three scenes she gets in the book. They invite Regis, but he's happy with his wealth and comfort. He's witnessed his last adventure, but he gives them a fine meal and says that if they make it back, his house would be their first stop.

There's an amusing exchange with Kemp as they leave. He's waiting for Wulfgar to leave. Wulfgar says "Farewell, good spokesman" then recites a phrase that he had last used when fighting the verbeeg with Drizzt. Drizzt is confused because Wulfgar had said it was a battle cry, but Regis translates it as "May the fleas of a thousand reindeer nest in your genitals." Hah.

Regis watches them leave, but then is interrupted by someone stating that a representative from Luskan has arrived to see him. Regis spots the man before the man sees him: more importantly, he spots the man's dagger which has a distinctive hilt. It belongs to Artemis Entreri, the prime assassin of Regis's old boss.

...okay, things are looking up a little. I remember Artemis Entreri. And Artemis Entreri is definitely not stupid.

So anyway, Regis catches up to the group. He doesn't give a reason for joining, but they all know he's in trouble and they find it amusing. Because they're assholes. Wulfgar notes that the four of them each represent the four common races: Bruenor for the dwarves, Regis for the halflings, Drizzt for elves, and himself for humans.

Drizzt of course is a killjoy noting the elves wouldn't choose a drow to represent them. There's more banter and they head out.

It does occur to me that Regis maybe should have warned the others about that assassin he left back in town. But they're dicks, so fuck them.

Really, as a final chapter goes, this wasn't bad, but the epilogue is fucking annoying. Stay tuned and I'll write up a verdict.